People have said, "Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace."
So I'm standing in a toy aisle filled with dolls. For the second time in two days I'm looking at this doll. It's just a little doll that comes with a doll-size sippy cup, a milk bottle and a pink teddy bear. I'm remembering the Thursday morning before Vivian died, she saw this same doll at our speech therapy appointment at the school. The therapist demonstrated symbolic play with the doll having a "drink" from her sippy cup.
I specifically recall Vivian's eyes sort of light up as she took notice of that activity. I could just see little wheels turning in her mind considering she too drank out of a sippy cup. With that spark of curiosity, I was excited to find that doll and buy it for Vivian. What I was really excited about was that Vivian might be transitioning into symbolic play from her cause/effect play. This would be a huge milestone in my book. How thrilling it would be to see Vivian imitate this play like a toddler would do!
As I stood in the store debating myself, it wasn't logical, and I couldn't really justify it, and quite frankly I felt a little silly. But, I couldn't put the doll back on the shelf. So, I paid the $11.47 for the doll and her accessories, and I'm not going to beat myself up about it.
The pink teddy bear is small enough that I think I will add it to a floral arrangement for our grave marker vase in the springtime for our sweet girl.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:4-5
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Copper Highlights
Ken noticed the details of Vivian's hair before I did. Her hair looked an obvious jet-black color to me. Yet upon closer examination, I too began to see individual strands of beautiful, natural copper highlights althroughout Vivian's hair. Vivian seemed to radiate an extra special warmth and beauty when the sunshine reflected her copper highlights. I was so excited to point this unique feature out to her when she got older.
It has me thinking about the gospels of Matthew10:30 and Luke 12:7 where it says the very hairs of our head are numbered. I know I love every hair on Vivian's head. I love her from head to toe, inside and out with all my heart and soul. I can sit here in awe to realize and appreciate that God loves Vivian even more than I do. After all, I am a finite and mortal person.
But, it is challenging to deeply acknowledge God's love for me too. It's amazing to be loved right down to each hair on my head. I am thankful for His unconditional love because right now I'm not so interesting...just a study in the mess of my grief. You know, where you can do a few things in periods of numbness and then you sit when your hands and feet turn into concrete blocks.
I learned a couple years ago that my faith is a gift from God. I am thankful each day for that gift because I tried for a long time to achieve faith, and it wasn't possible (but it was tiring). Faith gets me up each morning and pulls my mind back out of the dark corners of "perfect hindsight." Faith is drawing my heart and eyes and ears upward to listen, to be thankful, to live in the light and to walk through my grief.
It has me thinking about the gospels of Matthew10:30 and Luke 12:7 where it says the very hairs of our head are numbered. I know I love every hair on Vivian's head. I love her from head to toe, inside and out with all my heart and soul. I can sit here in awe to realize and appreciate that God loves Vivian even more than I do. After all, I am a finite and mortal person.
But, it is challenging to deeply acknowledge God's love for me too. It's amazing to be loved right down to each hair on my head. I am thankful for His unconditional love because right now I'm not so interesting...just a study in the mess of my grief. You know, where you can do a few things in periods of numbness and then you sit when your hands and feet turn into concrete blocks.
I learned a couple years ago that my faith is a gift from God. I am thankful each day for that gift because I tried for a long time to achieve faith, and it wasn't possible (but it was tiring). Faith gets me up each morning and pulls my mind back out of the dark corners of "perfect hindsight." Faith is drawing my heart and eyes and ears upward to listen, to be thankful, to live in the light and to walk through my grief.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Just some thoughts...
You know what else I have been thinking? Our laundry has dwindled to a measly few loads every several days. Vivian did create lots of laundry! And all the pinks and lighter colors were a wonderful complement to our rough-n-tumble dark boy colors. I used to smile in amusement as the dirty clothing pile was turning into a minor mountain.
We've gone out to eat, and I hate that we fit "so nicely" into a restaurant booth.
I opened the silverware drawer, and we had all spoons and were low on forks. Tears to my eyes because we always fed Vivian with a spoon and were always out of them. Same with my small bowls in the cabinet.
Our diaper days ended with such abruptness that I don't even know what to think.
The house is too quiet without all the musical toys that Vivian loved to play with constantly. She would actually punch on a musical toy and play with her non-musical wooden beads. It was hilarious--she was a smart little cookie. I won't admit to how many 40-packs of AA's I've bought at Sam's.
Seeing Vivian's baby swing on our swingset floating around in the several windy days we've had lately about drove me to insanity, and I had to take it down. She loved to swing and we did that often, sometimes even as a distraction if she was upset. Most of the time she loved to swing for fun.
Here's one Ken and I both hate...it doesn't matter whether we take the car or the van now. We fit in either, and we tend to take the car. Gosh, we were even starting to contemplate a vehicle to seat more children as we were hoping to add to our family next year.
Our kitchen table feels empty, Vivian's bedroom is empty, our wood floor is empty of her books and toys, our arms are empty...ugh.
We've gone out to eat, and I hate that we fit "so nicely" into a restaurant booth.
I opened the silverware drawer, and we had all spoons and were low on forks. Tears to my eyes because we always fed Vivian with a spoon and were always out of them. Same with my small bowls in the cabinet.
Our diaper days ended with such abruptness that I don't even know what to think.
The house is too quiet without all the musical toys that Vivian loved to play with constantly. She would actually punch on a musical toy and play with her non-musical wooden beads. It was hilarious--she was a smart little cookie. I won't admit to how many 40-packs of AA's I've bought at Sam's.
Seeing Vivian's baby swing on our swingset floating around in the several windy days we've had lately about drove me to insanity, and I had to take it down. She loved to swing and we did that often, sometimes even as a distraction if she was upset. Most of the time she loved to swing for fun.
Here's one Ken and I both hate...it doesn't matter whether we take the car or the van now. We fit in either, and we tend to take the car. Gosh, we were even starting to contemplate a vehicle to seat more children as we were hoping to add to our family next year.
Our kitchen table feels empty, Vivian's bedroom is empty, our wood floor is empty of her books and toys, our arms are empty...ugh.
A Month Without Our Baby Girl
In reality it has been one month since Vivian has died and gone to heaven. In my mind or my "world" not really any time has passed. I don't know, does the shock go away? I had killer headaches the first two days afterwards that 9 advil could not put a dent in. Numbness allowed me to get through the many funeral details and commitments. The choking grief has left me gasping for air, punching me in the gut again and again. A physical shakiness was my constant companion for the first week and now just shows up once in a while. Someone told me the headaches had to do with the adrenaline from how quickly I assessed the situation Tuesday morning with Vivian and made the harrowing drive to the ER.
It was obvious something was very wrong when Vivian suddenly started to cough up blood, and I had her to St. Lukes in 10 or 11 minutes flat. Yet it still wasn't fast enough. I try to think how she was already in heaven, happy and healthy, while I cradled her lifeless shell of a body and ran into the building. I could barely catch my breath, everything seemed a blur and strength from my arms and legs seemed to be literally being sucked into the tile floor after medical staff took over her care.
I have been asked a lot of questions over the last month and there is some confusion, it seems. Some parts I'd like to clarify. Vivian's death was a complete and utter shock. It was not on our radar at all. Vivian had an awesome cardiology appt on Sept 13th. She had put on weight and her O2 level notched up a bit. Vivian had had her heart surgery June 23rd and left the hospital July 18th. It was a grueling but fruitful road re-establishing her ability to eat enough calories to heal and grow. We had just reached the point of eating solid food and keeping them down. Anyway, on the afternoon of Sept. 14th Vivian became somewhat lethargic and then had a clear runny nose on Thursday, Sept. 15th. She appeared to be getting the same cold I caught on Sunday prior (same symptoms) and the rest of the family had minor colds too. I was concerned about Vivian Sunday evening with her lack of energy. Everything else about her seemed fine. We called the doctor Monday at 12:18pm and they got us in for a 1pm appt. All 5 of us went down together. The doctor listened to her heart, lungs, bowel and kidneys and all seemed to be okay. She consulted with our cardiologist too. I noted her abdomen seemed a little stiff and her eyelids might be a bit puffy. I also changed her diaper and little to no pee in it. She had some dinner at home and enjoyed her bath Daddy gave her, even pointing to tell Daddy to get the basket of toys and chose her favorite yellow duck to play with. She slept all night.
Twenty hours after the dr. appt. Vivian was gone. Just like that. From what we know so far it was NOT her heart directly.
Anyway, last night Isaac cried out at 2:30am. I flipped the covers back and leapt out of bed with such energy to go to him--it was so good to be needed. Multiple times a week for the 15.5 months we had with Vivian I was jumping out of bed to respond to her cries. And you know, I was perfectly fine with it, glad to do it, wishing I could have been her mama to comfort her for her first two years too. With Isaac last night, he had fallen out of bed. I scooped him up and took him to the potty and redeposited and snuggled him up. Only 5 minutes of my time required. Sigh.
Vivian was more complex. What and why was she waking up? Did she hurt? Was she scared, a bad dream? We couldn't know, she couldn't tell us. How it broke my heart, but we started a routine. She did not like to be rocked, so we strolled around the darkened house listening to classical music and sipped water. Eventually, we morphed that into going downstairs to the basement and watching a Baby Einstein movie. She liked that and so did I because she would relax across my lap. I could hold her hand and kiss her cheek or temple and breathe in the scent of her hair. My sweet little baby girl! The last time we did that together was in that last week, maybe even Sunday night, and her little hand squeezed my thumb. I felt like she said 'I love you' in that gesture. I cherished that time together as much as I liked getting a full night's rest.
Oh how I miss Vivian so intensely much! I will keep writing here because it helps to share my broken heart. You know, I have wanted to adopt children since I was 9 or 10 years old. We picked out Vivian's name 10 years ago. We waited for her for 4.5 years. We loved and cherished her and she brought us immense joy and laughter for 15.5 months. We will miss her for the rest of our lives.
The only thought that terrifies me is that during our adoption process we could have said no. We could have passed on her because she was delayed in her development. I thank God for the gift of time we had with Vivian. It was entirely too short, yes. But for the priviledge and gift of loving and caring for Vivian, we will carry our broken hearts as a badge of honor the rest of our lives.
I hope Vivian does her happy dance every day in Jesus' lap.
Love,
Keri
It was obvious something was very wrong when Vivian suddenly started to cough up blood, and I had her to St. Lukes in 10 or 11 minutes flat. Yet it still wasn't fast enough. I try to think how she was already in heaven, happy and healthy, while I cradled her lifeless shell of a body and ran into the building. I could barely catch my breath, everything seemed a blur and strength from my arms and legs seemed to be literally being sucked into the tile floor after medical staff took over her care.
I have been asked a lot of questions over the last month and there is some confusion, it seems. Some parts I'd like to clarify. Vivian's death was a complete and utter shock. It was not on our radar at all. Vivian had an awesome cardiology appt on Sept 13th. She had put on weight and her O2 level notched up a bit. Vivian had had her heart surgery June 23rd and left the hospital July 18th. It was a grueling but fruitful road re-establishing her ability to eat enough calories to heal and grow. We had just reached the point of eating solid food and keeping them down. Anyway, on the afternoon of Sept. 14th Vivian became somewhat lethargic and then had a clear runny nose on Thursday, Sept. 15th. She appeared to be getting the same cold I caught on Sunday prior (same symptoms) and the rest of the family had minor colds too. I was concerned about Vivian Sunday evening with her lack of energy. Everything else about her seemed fine. We called the doctor Monday at 12:18pm and they got us in for a 1pm appt. All 5 of us went down together. The doctor listened to her heart, lungs, bowel and kidneys and all seemed to be okay. She consulted with our cardiologist too. I noted her abdomen seemed a little stiff and her eyelids might be a bit puffy. I also changed her diaper and little to no pee in it. She had some dinner at home and enjoyed her bath Daddy gave her, even pointing to tell Daddy to get the basket of toys and chose her favorite yellow duck to play with. She slept all night.
Twenty hours after the dr. appt. Vivian was gone. Just like that. From what we know so far it was NOT her heart directly.
Anyway, last night Isaac cried out at 2:30am. I flipped the covers back and leapt out of bed with such energy to go to him--it was so good to be needed. Multiple times a week for the 15.5 months we had with Vivian I was jumping out of bed to respond to her cries. And you know, I was perfectly fine with it, glad to do it, wishing I could have been her mama to comfort her for her first two years too. With Isaac last night, he had fallen out of bed. I scooped him up and took him to the potty and redeposited and snuggled him up. Only 5 minutes of my time required. Sigh.
Vivian was more complex. What and why was she waking up? Did she hurt? Was she scared, a bad dream? We couldn't know, she couldn't tell us. How it broke my heart, but we started a routine. She did not like to be rocked, so we strolled around the darkened house listening to classical music and sipped water. Eventually, we morphed that into going downstairs to the basement and watching a Baby Einstein movie. She liked that and so did I because she would relax across my lap. I could hold her hand and kiss her cheek or temple and breathe in the scent of her hair. My sweet little baby girl! The last time we did that together was in that last week, maybe even Sunday night, and her little hand squeezed my thumb. I felt like she said 'I love you' in that gesture. I cherished that time together as much as I liked getting a full night's rest.
Oh how I miss Vivian so intensely much! I will keep writing here because it helps to share my broken heart. You know, I have wanted to adopt children since I was 9 or 10 years old. We picked out Vivian's name 10 years ago. We waited for her for 4.5 years. We loved and cherished her and she brought us immense joy and laughter for 15.5 months. We will miss her for the rest of our lives.
The only thought that terrifies me is that during our adoption process we could have said no. We could have passed on her because she was delayed in her development. I thank God for the gift of time we had with Vivian. It was entirely too short, yes. But for the priviledge and gift of loving and caring for Vivian, we will carry our broken hearts as a badge of honor the rest of our lives.
I hope Vivian does her happy dance every day in Jesus' lap.
Love,
Keri
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Services for Vivian
We are so moved by all the prayers we have received. I guess we had no idea how many loving and thoughtful folks out there are reaching out to us and lifting us up.
I think it is what has carried us through the day making the hardest decisions we have ever made.
Here are the details for services for Vivian for those who would like to know:
Visitation at Cedar Memorial on 1st Ave on Sunday, Sept. 25th from 2 to 5pm.
Church Service at New Covenant Bible Church in Robins on Center Point Road on Monday, Sept. 26th at 11am.
Meal follows at noon to 2pm.
Following that will be a private family burial.
Obituary will be in the Friday paper.
I think it is what has carried us through the day making the hardest decisions we have ever made.
Here are the details for services for Vivian for those who would like to know:
Visitation at Cedar Memorial on 1st Ave on Sunday, Sept. 25th from 2 to 5pm.
Church Service at New Covenant Bible Church in Robins on Center Point Road on Monday, Sept. 26th at 11am.
Meal follows at noon to 2pm.
Following that will be a private family burial.
Obituary will be in the Friday paper.
Love,
Keri and Ken
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Our Precious Vivian
Our hearts are desperately heavy and broken. Our beautiful, precious daughter died suddenly yesterday morning at St. Lukes in the ER. They tried for 45 minutes to bring her back, and there was just nothing. She had been lethargic and had a little bit of runny nose. She checked out fine at the cardiologist on 9/13, although she had gained 15 oz in two weeks. Looking back, I think that was the start of this unhappy path. Right after that she was tired a lot--we attributed it to the cold. I too had a cold and was quite tired. We took her to the pediatrician on 9/19. Again no serious warning bells and checked out alright. Just a little swelling in her face and abdomen. Vivian is so tiny that a little swelling can actually disguise itself as "healthy." She enjoyed her bath daddy gave her and slept through the night. She babbled to daddy the next morning until he left to take Isaac to preschool. I gave her a sippy cup of water while she sat on the couch watching PBS kids and fixed her oatmeal and carried it to the table. Then I heard her cough, ran over, saw some blood and she passed in and out of consciousness in my arms. In a microsecond I thought we could get to the ER faster than an ambulance could get out to us. I grabbed Jaret and we left. Vivian was deteriorating as we were getting there. Her breathing so labored....she took her last breath and fell forward...I saw her in my rearview mirror as I waited for one car to pass and turned into the St. Lukes ER. I remember popping a curb, blaring the horn, and running in with her as I yelled to someone to be with Jaret. I yelled her heart condition and hep B carrier and recent surgery. They tried so hard for 45 minutes and could not get heart activity.
We are totally in shock, denial, devastated, you name it. We had the boys there to say goodbye, and we held our baby for 5 hours before we could summon the strength to leave. Ken's folks took the boys to their house earlier. Ken and I followed each other home in our vehicles. We just unpacked everything we had packed on our vacation which we were planning to leave at noon. The company graciously returned our money.
We'll stay home from our trip, but Vivian took the best trip ever...home to Jesus in heaven.
Now we know she is healed fully and can finally be the happy skipping toddler. I hope she found and met her Grandma Donna and Great Grandma Eleanor (my mom and her mom).
Love,
Keri and Ken
We are totally in shock, denial, devastated, you name it. We had the boys there to say goodbye, and we held our baby for 5 hours before we could summon the strength to leave. Ken's folks took the boys to their house earlier. Ken and I followed each other home in our vehicles. We just unpacked everything we had packed on our vacation which we were planning to leave at noon. The company graciously returned our money.
We'll stay home from our trip, but Vivian took the best trip ever...home to Jesus in heaven.
Now we know she is healed fully and can finally be the happy skipping toddler. I hope she found and met her Grandma Donna and Great Grandma Eleanor (my mom and her mom).
Love,
Keri and Ken
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
August Already
Hello Everyone!
Sorry to be offline. I was right that it would be harder to be consistent at home. The first week home was rough. Within an hour of home arrival, we had the home health nurse here and all of our medical equipment which really just consists of a feeding pump, an oximeter, an IV pole, and then a couple bags of medical stuff like tubing and feeding bags for Vivian. The doctors had Vivian set up to receive 600mL of Pediasure in 10 hours overnight. That was too much, and Vivian would throw up if not just spit up about every morning. So, we had mounds of laundry plus the ever present pressure of "trying to get calories into her during the day." By Friday morning (July 22nd) we had something of a routine down and had expanded to 12 hours and slowed the rate from 60mL down to 50mL/hour. However, I completely freaked out when I checked on Vivian to find she had thrown up in her bed sometime between 6:30 and 9:30am and the tube and come up and out her mouth. Yes...now it was in the nose and out the mouth. Completely disgusting, and I had to deal with it! I called a nurse to come over IMMEDIATELY and help me. Long story short, she came, and we got Vivian bathed and fixed up. I put the tube back in with the nurse holding Vivian. No, it's not any fun, but I see why they trained us at the hospital now.
So....when Saturday morning came we fed Vivian some breakfast and had a repeat performance. We left the tube out during the day and replaced it that night. It took three tries and was very stressful. We did the same thing on Sunday night. Even though I was successful at getting the tube into Vivian, I dissolved into tears and dreaded Monday and the weeks ahead.
Fast forward to this last weekend. The tube stayed in place all week until Sunday night. At this point I've met with the cardiologist who is following Vivian closely. He gave me "the blessing" to leave the tube out and just keep working with Vivian on eating enough calories during the day. This last weekend Vivian's appetite has started to pick up, so that helps some.
We spend A LOT of time feeding Vivian because it's a tricky balancing act. We basically give her snacks about every two hours or so. She will eat 10 to 15 bites at the most sometimes, and everything needs to be pureed. The biggest goal is for her to continue to get sufficient calories for healing. We can't feed her too much or let her drink too much at once or she will throw up. She has an "angry gut" due to all the strong drugs she had while in the hospital. She struggles with some reflux due to all the Pediasure she is getting. In general she is not super coordinated in her swallowing capabilities which causes her to cough which can turn into a gag reflex and you know what comes next. Plus, she struggles with some textures of foods.
If we can get Vivian's gut to calm down and not cause her to throw up, I can so deal with everything else. Tonight I went to BBB and bought a Magic Bullet blender with the intention to puree whatever we are eating and give to Vivian. I've been limping along on babyfood, oatmeal and pudding so far, but she could use more nutrients.
Today is Tuesday, August 2nd (for a little while longer). To bring you up to date, Vivian's last night feeding was Saturday night. The tube came out at dinnertime Sunday night (by this point no panic calls to a nurse--we take care of it ourselves). Monday morning I took Vivian to physical therapy for first time in 6 weeks. This morning I took Vivian to occupational therapy for a feeding evaluation. Tomorrow Vivian has a cardiology appt. again.
Yes, we have an intense schedule with Vivian, and it will get easier as the weeks go by. The boys are doing well though. I have awesome friends who have helped me out so much I'll never be able to repay them. The boys are finishing up swim lessons this week. I am doing some thinking an mental planning for Jaret's school year, and I have forms to get done for Isaac. He is going to a new preschool called Holloway House, and he is pretty excited about it much to my relief. He was so ornery last year.
Well, I better head to bed! Love to you all--thanks for listening. Will try to get some photos up soon.
Sorry to be offline. I was right that it would be harder to be consistent at home. The first week home was rough. Within an hour of home arrival, we had the home health nurse here and all of our medical equipment which really just consists of a feeding pump, an oximeter, an IV pole, and then a couple bags of medical stuff like tubing and feeding bags for Vivian. The doctors had Vivian set up to receive 600mL of Pediasure in 10 hours overnight. That was too much, and Vivian would throw up if not just spit up about every morning. So, we had mounds of laundry plus the ever present pressure of "trying to get calories into her during the day." By Friday morning (July 22nd) we had something of a routine down and had expanded to 12 hours and slowed the rate from 60mL down to 50mL/hour. However, I completely freaked out when I checked on Vivian to find she had thrown up in her bed sometime between 6:30 and 9:30am and the tube and come up and out her mouth. Yes...now it was in the nose and out the mouth. Completely disgusting, and I had to deal with it! I called a nurse to come over IMMEDIATELY and help me. Long story short, she came, and we got Vivian bathed and fixed up. I put the tube back in with the nurse holding Vivian. No, it's not any fun, but I see why they trained us at the hospital now.
So....when Saturday morning came we fed Vivian some breakfast and had a repeat performance. We left the tube out during the day and replaced it that night. It took three tries and was very stressful. We did the same thing on Sunday night. Even though I was successful at getting the tube into Vivian, I dissolved into tears and dreaded Monday and the weeks ahead.
Fast forward to this last weekend. The tube stayed in place all week until Sunday night. At this point I've met with the cardiologist who is following Vivian closely. He gave me "the blessing" to leave the tube out and just keep working with Vivian on eating enough calories during the day. This last weekend Vivian's appetite has started to pick up, so that helps some.
We spend A LOT of time feeding Vivian because it's a tricky balancing act. We basically give her snacks about every two hours or so. She will eat 10 to 15 bites at the most sometimes, and everything needs to be pureed. The biggest goal is for her to continue to get sufficient calories for healing. We can't feed her too much or let her drink too much at once or she will throw up. She has an "angry gut" due to all the strong drugs she had while in the hospital. She struggles with some reflux due to all the Pediasure she is getting. In general she is not super coordinated in her swallowing capabilities which causes her to cough which can turn into a gag reflex and you know what comes next. Plus, she struggles with some textures of foods.
If we can get Vivian's gut to calm down and not cause her to throw up, I can so deal with everything else. Tonight I went to BBB and bought a Magic Bullet blender with the intention to puree whatever we are eating and give to Vivian. I've been limping along on babyfood, oatmeal and pudding so far, but she could use more nutrients.
Today is Tuesday, August 2nd (for a little while longer). To bring you up to date, Vivian's last night feeding was Saturday night. The tube came out at dinnertime Sunday night (by this point no panic calls to a nurse--we take care of it ourselves). Monday morning I took Vivian to physical therapy for first time in 6 weeks. This morning I took Vivian to occupational therapy for a feeding evaluation. Tomorrow Vivian has a cardiology appt. again.
Yes, we have an intense schedule with Vivian, and it will get easier as the weeks go by. The boys are doing well though. I have awesome friends who have helped me out so much I'll never be able to repay them. The boys are finishing up swim lessons this week. I am doing some thinking an mental planning for Jaret's school year, and I have forms to get done for Isaac. He is going to a new preschool called Holloway House, and he is pretty excited about it much to my relief. He was so ornery last year.
Well, I better head to bed! Love to you all--thanks for listening. Will try to get some photos up soon.
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